Lada vastaan Ford

Tamperelainen kysyy tupakkaa kuopiolaiselta.

– Onkos sulla tupakkaa myyrä?

– Onko rahhoo, näätä?

Voitko kosketta minua, jotta voin sanoa kavereilleni, että enkeli kosketti minua?

Saanko paistaa mun makkaran sun grillissä?

Iisalmessa Karjalan lennoston saapumiserän 2/24 sotilasvala- ja -vakuutustilaisuuden jälkeen Kati kysyi Markolta:
– Näitkö ohimarssin?
– Meni ohi.

Lähde: Vitsi on julkaistu Seiska.fi

– Elä hyvä mies kerree puolukoita näin läheltä moottoritietä!
– En minä näitä itelle kerreekkää, myyntiin laitan.

Lähde: Vitsi on julkaistu Seiska.fi

Mitä pitää tehdä kun nainen tulee ulos keittiöstä?
– Lyhentää ketjua

Onks sussa magneetti, vai miks mä en saa silmiäni irti susta?

Mitä teletappi sanoi kun jäi auton alle?
– Uudestaan!

Kolme mummoa istui penkillä. Keskimmäinen räjähti.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk: ”I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
”About 32.” is the reply.
”Nope! I’m exactly 50.”, the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies: ”I’d guess about 29.”
The woman replies with a big smile: ”Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds: ”Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds: ”I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ”Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out: ”What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says: ”Okay, okay…..How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says: ”Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says: ”That was incredible, how could you tell?”
”I was behind you at McDonald’s.”, he says.